Since Mario Kart 64 came out, fans and trolls alike have been arguing about which character is the best racer.
We do have an answer that can be proven.
Speedrunners and programmers used TAS software to use math to figure out which MK64 characters are the best.
TAS programmes are tool-assisted speedrunning programmes that try to find ways to speed up a player.
Using this and in-game data pulled from the ROM, which works with emulator software, players went through lines and lines of code to find real data that mathematically proves which MK64 characters are better than others.
The PAL version of the game is a little bit slower than the NTSC version, which is what most people who try to break world records and run fast do.
Even though the transmission rate is lower at 25 frames per second and 55 hertz, the racer can move and turn better.
In this article, we’ll use examples from the PAL version because it lets you do complicated inputs in slow-mo.
So, with all due respect to these hard-working nerds, here is the math-based definitive list of the best Mario Kart 64 characters.
8. Bowser
The first player on our list, who is also the worst, doesn’t need an introduction.
Bowser is the Nintendo character who is most likely to be #metoo’d. He is a well-known, evil lizard or something.
When the cool nerds on Reddit looked inside the ROM data to find out all the dirty little secrets of the game, the most important thing they found was that speeds were capped based on the game mode.
As an example, Bowser, who is the slowest racer, can go as fast as:
290 for 50cc, 310 for 100cc, and 320 for 150cc
320 what, you may ask? I don’t know, but that’s the fastest he can go!
But the top speed is not the only thing that makes a car what it is.
The Breakdown: The only good thing about Bowser is that he has the fastest Triple A speed in the game. You’ll need this if you always finish last because you chose Bowser like some kind of damn fool.
7. Wario
Wario is as fast as Bowser, which is 320, but he isn’t as embarrassing because he watches how he looks.
The main idea of this article is that racers tend to be faster and more agile when they are lighter.
Wario can go as fast as 320 miles per hour. He is a fit size 6 and weighs 1.8 pounds, which gives him a slight edge over Bowser’s huge 2.3 pounds.
The turn speed was another measurement that our dear nerds gave us. And in this and many other ways, Bowser and Wario are on the same shitty plane.
Wario’s turn speed is 1.15, and his turn speed decrease is -0.002, which is pathetic.
6. Donkey Kong
Now, let’s talk about that damn dirty ape and his silly tie. Now is a good time to talk about slowing down the speed of turns.
He has the same constant speed as Bowser and Wario, and he also has the same speed and turn speed reduction. This is the fourth type of estimate that we used to come up with the numbers for this new, scientific list.
Turn speed reduction is the amount of time it takes for a player’s speed to slow down as they approach a curb. This is important when you’re racing for a world record and a 500th of a second is all that stands between you and eternal glory.
The reason Bowser, Wario, and Donkey Kong look so much alike is because of how the games are coded. Reusing resources is a great way for a developer to save space and get around the limits of the N64 cartridge.
Because each character has the same stats in all three game modes and in battle, they are all different sizes and weights.
Each of Bowser and Wario is a 6. Donkey Kong is a little bit smaller than a loud Italian man, which is a 5, but he’s a little bit heavier, which is a 2.
These numbers are a fancy way of saying that we can figure out exactly why he’s a loser, but also why he’s not as bad as some of the other losers on this list.
5. Luigi
Now it’s time for some pretty good racers, and we’ll start with the worst.
Yes, it’s Bro, the shameful member of the Super family. The man in green with a L on his forehead and a therapist on speed dial.
Luigi, who kids call “Green Mario” because kids are dumb, has the same top speed in all game modes as the first three, but again, his other qualities make him good enough.
In particular, his turn speed, his ability to slow down his turn speed, and the last thing that was measured, Triple Tap A.
Triple-tapping A gives you a quick burst of speed. While Bowser’s is 3, Wario’s is 2.5, and Donkey is wearing a damn tie, Luigi’s is slightly better than the ape’s at 2.
This makes up for the fact that he was a shame to the Bros family and will always be number 2. Even so, he is better than Business Ape, Cocaine Mario, and Bowser, though not by much.
4. Mario
Mario is the little worker who reminds us all of Joseph Stalin.
If there was evil everywhere and a monster stole our leader, it was our job to smash blocks and throw hammers like crazy until we saved the world.
He’s a pretty average racer, and if you’re good enough, you could take him to the top of the average pile.
Nintendo’s mascot is in the middle of the pack. His basic stats are the same as Luigi’s, but they are a little bit better.
Mario is a good example of the new system. He is a good racer, but “world-class speedrunners” rarely use him. However, neither that fact nor anything else on this list should make you feel bad about the racer you like the most.
In the end, games are about having fun.
Speedrunning is a form of insanity that shows up in people with a strange mix of obsession and neuroticism.
You don’t have to be the fastest player on earth to enjoy games. That’s not what games are all about.
We can’t answer those kinds of questions here, but you can play with any character you like.
3. Princess Peach
Peach is where we finally get some walking boots.
Her top speed is faster than those of the losers on our list before her.
- She burns the road at 294, 310, and 320 in the modes of play that go with those numbers.
- She has a faster turn speed than the next two racers on our list.
- As the second lightest player, she is a favourite of some of the most successful world record holders in the game.
Her triple A tap is where she really shines, and her whole stat line shows why she has been a fan favourite since the first time this game ruined a Thanksgiving.
Peach is my favourite character, so it makes me feel bad to put her in third place in this ranking.
But facts are facts, and MK64 fans are a very enthusiastic bunch. I don’t want to make them angry.
2. Toad
Now, let’s talk about Toad, everyone’s favourite talking potato who walks (I guess).
Toad can go as fast as 294, 314, and 324 on his own, and he still smokes to stay slim. So, his small size gives him more freedom to move.
His turn speed reduction is also low, which makes this racer one of the most likely record holders in any of the current speedrunning categories. Not bad for a potato with a diaper fetish.
Toad is a favourite racer of some of the best runners, and his small size lets him be very precise and move quickly.
But that isn’t enough to get to number 1 because obsession is real and we’re using math.
1. Yoshi
The best half-lizard, half-horse we all know and love is at the top of the list.
Yoshi is a character that is meant to break up friendships.
With a top speed of 324, a triple tap of 3, and a 0.002 reduction in speed when turning,
His size and design also give him stability, which makes it slightly easier for humans to take sharp turns and do stunts that change the rules of the game.
And that’s about it!
We wanted this list to be scientific and able to be measured, and we also wanted to annoy anyone who still defends Luigi as a racer.
